Rob Blackhurst

How much did you want to know what Tony Blair wears, and what Posh and Becks talk about on the sofa? It was a week for invading your own privacy with impunity.

Rob Blackhurst

Observer.co.uk,

Sunday March 10 2002

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Celebrities couldn't get dressed without being followed by prying lenses this week, throwing off concerns about privacy to take the docusoap shilling.

There is no bigger star that Ann Widdecombe, a woman who never tires of reminding us that politics is about "issues", yet still happy to have Louis Theroux home for coffee. Thwarted in his efforts to gain entry to her boudoir, he had to listen while she gushed about The Widdy Web, a website devoted to pictures of the herself clutching small animals. When questioned about her motives in the Independent, Widders revealed a devil-may-care attitude that has not knowingly extended to her personal life: "on the whole my disposition is to say yes, unless I've got a good reason to say no"

Her contribution to national life continued with a midweek appearance on "Can't Cook Won't Cook", though clearly the episode had stayed in the can for far too long. Devotees of the Maidstone MP will have been surprised to hear her indulgently relate idiosyncrasies of her two cats - presumably the very same creatures whose demise she chronicled in the Daily Mail last week.

Meanwhile, the residents of Beckingham Palace screened the latest instalment from their film-crew in residence.

Predictably, the gilded couple gave little away except for carefully controlled banalities. TV critics competed to relay the most mind-numbing snatch of Beckham small-talk. The Times complained that you could feel your brain cells expiring as you watched, preserving the following conversation for posterity. "Angelina Jolie's really pretty," says Victoria. "She's alright," says David scratching his skinhead before upping his estimation of Jolie's sepulchritude. "She's nice actually, really nice." Victoria agrees, "She's very pretty." David not to be outdone, goes for broke. "Yeah, she's really pretty." But Dominic Mohan in the Sun preferred another Posh and Becks teen conversation Victoria asked: "What did we watch last night?" David sighed: "What lies beneath" Victoria: "Scary film. We wanted to go to the toilet but we couldn't because we was so scared. We was so scared wasn't we" David: "We was".

While it wouldn't be a normal week at Beckingham Palace without an endorsement deal, there were surely raised eye-brows at the Monopolies and Mergers Commission as the husband and wife team carved up the British crisp market between them. Becks will promote Wotsits Goalden Balls in direct opposition to Victoria's deal with Walkers. Something to argue about on the Sofa, then.

But not even the most hardened hack would argue that Tuesday's Posh news was the work of an over-zealous PR: "Posh and Brooklyn cheated death in a motor way pile-up just hours before the tot's third Birthday party" screamed the Sun. Cheating the grim reaper didn't seem to have been too much of a feat, however, judging by the pristine condition of the Chrysler People carrier after the incident. By paragraph three, the Sun reported less excitingly that driver Tony Adams had "scraped along the wing of a stricken Hyundai saloon".

Even the Prime Minister attracted a rash of soft-focus features and the combined sartorial tips of Fleet Street this week after he decided to use his trip to the Commonwealth to unveil his Blair Spring 2002 collection.. Out were brogues, chinos and denim shirts. In were an £85 stripped knitted top from Nicole Fahri a £600 Paul Smith suit and a £300 pair of loafers. Cue much mock indignation from well-feathered columnists at the sums involved.

Prince Edward, no stranger to fly in the wall documentaries and swooning portraits of the famous, must have felt left out as he shredded the Ardent headed notepaper and put his expensive collection of home videos in the loft. After meeting one to many fake Sheikhs, Edward and Sophie decided this week that a monthly cheque from mother was a far better career option than relying on Ardent to ever pay the bills. Goodbye forever, then, to those straight-to-cable sun-dappled documentaries about minor royal residences.

The Telegraph, though, produced strong evidence for the continuing modernisation of the Monarchy, interviewing the mole-controller by Royal Appointment, profoundly proud to be the first mole-catcher with a royal warrant since the 17th century. "There are only two ways to kill a mole, neither of which is available to the domestic gardener" he chillingly intoned.

Good Week For: Peter Mandelson

Comeback number three looked likely following another thorough investigation from Mr Hammond. The Sun predicted that the man who once harboured ambitions to run the Foreign Office will apparently return as our man in Berlin, thereby getting round the inconvenience of giving a Cabinet job to a man who's already been sacked twice.

Bad Week: Chardonnay

That unlikely arbiter of style John Major led a backlash against the nineties middle class wine of choice. "I'm ABC now" he explained knowingly to his host at a dinner party: "Anything but Chardonnay". The final nail in the coffin came when trashy topless model Chardonnay Lane cropped up in Footballer's Wives.

Hero of the Week

Memories were evoked this week of those halycon days when the Royals were held in high esteem and Charles was even considered good-looking. During his tour of Brazil, the Prince was presented with a sculpture of himself "saving the world" sporting only a full head of hair, a loin-cloth and the wings of an angel. The artist had apparently based his representation on pictures downloaded from the internet, but "the thick hair and finely toned muscles of an athlete" that had the Mail salivating were possibly a little out of date. Charles described himself as "amazed" and "deeply touched".

Villain of the Week

Left-wing Labour MEP Richard Balfe had some explaining to do when he hit upon the jolly idea of joining the Tory party. "Many people will be surprised to hear that a pro-euro Former Labour MEP should choose this time to join the Conservative Party" he conceded. He attributed his decision to Labour "arrogance, dishonesty and bullying", and absolutely nothing to with the fact that he had been passed over for promotion. There were still some unanswered questions, as the Telegraph politely noted: "His decision is all the more unexpected because he is a supporter of the single currency and a member of the European Movement"