Rob Blackhurst

Observer.co.uk,

Sunday May 12 2002

A sideways look at seven days in the press

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Identity matters

A sideways look at seven days in the press

These were seven days in which identity mattered. Commentators everywhere used the assassination of Pim Fortuyn to attack an "ossified" and "feather-bedded" European elite. What better time, then, than for the Eurocrats to spring on the Continent their latest labour of love: a new design for a flag. The beloved fifteen gold stars on blue may be replaced with a pattern that reflects the "diversity and unity of Europe" - though it looks more like a psychedelic bar code. Inevitably, this PR gift kept the Sun going for days, detecting in "trendy architect" Rem Koolhaas's design a "deck-chair cover", a "telly-test card on speed" and, weirdly, given the perfect geometric lines, "something that a three year old would paint by mistake".

But if a supermarket's claims over its progeny are true, it might be more reflective of popular tastes than anyone had imagined. An enterprising spokesman for Asda boasted that their "best-selling £6.97 duvet cover" inspired the design, available in their unrivalled network of out-of-town branches and conveniently located city centre stores. The government, sensing another Euro calamity, can console themselves with the thought that it could have been much worse: the same brainstorming session that hit upon flag wheeze also considered replacing all the EU buildings in Brussels with one "idyllic campus".

Such fripperies seemed far away as Europe's leaders navel-gazed about the rise of the far right in Europe. But impervious to such feelings of gloom was a chipper abd jovial Jean Marie Le Pen, who cast himself further adrift from polite society by telling jokes about Monday's shooting. Asked if he had known the Dutchman, the National Front leader grinningly observed: "we did not move in the same circles", an unsubtle reference to Fortuyn's homosexuality.

There were identity problems of a more prosaic kind at Penthouse magazine this week. Circulation was set to soar following their "world exclusive 10 page photo spread" devoted to Anna Kournikova sun-bathing topless. But the clink of glasses was brought to a premature halt when a letter arrived bringing news of a £7.5 million-law suite from one Judith Soltesz-Benetton, wife of the Benetton heir. Why, she wondered, has my naked frame appeared on newsstands under the guise of a Russian tennis star? The genuine article herself was said to be "not happy" at the "Pornikova" saga, promising litigation that could close the periodical. Chief Executive Bob Guccione was allegedly already in financial trouble after pushing back the frontiers of the porn industry: the company apparently spent a fortune developing a "portable nuclear fusion device".

Spin when you're winning

The Buckingham Palace spin machine had the country nibbling from its hand once more with another phase of the groundhog day that is the Royal Jubilee Tour. But, giddy with triumph, they unwisely spilled the beans on their newly acquired Mandelsonian techniques of press management in the Observer. As any puppeteer knows, the publics don't want to see the strings. How disappointing to learn that the warm glow of Jubilee year has come not from the spontaneous affections of the people but "a daily grid for royal events, updated electronically. Each day features a media highlight, thus securing maximum publicity". It was therefore with uncharacteristic scepticism that this column viewed Thursday's media highlight - the Queen's decision to swap the Royal Train for public transport. Amid all the tributes to the "modernised monarchy" it took the Telegraph to concede that public transport had been a "misnomer" on the eleven minute Sunderland to Gateshead trip as "no members of the public were allowed on board".

Despite the constraints of the media grid there was thankfully still room for Her Majesty to extemporise. "Last week I was in the South- West of England" she told a swarming mass of Geordies before momentarily losing her bearings "This week I am in the North-West". Neither could anyone remember mention in the communications strategy of the Newcastle resident who chose her unveiling of a statue to Cardinal Basil Hume to unveil himself.

Non-spinner of the week

If only Her Majesty's finest had paid more attention to the master. Alistair Campbell spent the week telling anyone who would listen that he had over-spun after Labour won power in 1997. "We hung on to some ways of opposition for too long" he spun to the Times: "sometimes we gave a sense that we were more worried about what kind of press we were getting than what a policy was going to do". Presumably, no-one had told the Downing Street Press Office, who painstakingly crafted a photo-call of Blair, Becks and Sven outside the No10 door not 24 hours later.

Good week for …

Happy endings

The heart-warming final chapter in the "Husband Runs Off with Mother in Law" saga was revealed this week with the news that the love cheat had gone home to "face his wife's fury". "Sleeping with my mum-in-law wasn't right" bed-spring maker Paul Stanford judiciously conceded, "But I've never been good at saying no to people". His wife Rachel, who famously received a note reading: "I don't love you any more. I love your mum", has now abandoned divorce proceedings. Family relationships now seem to be returning to an even keel though, as Rachel notes, "My dad is obviously not Paul's greatest fan".

Bad week for …

Spiderman

The new Spider-man film might have won swooning reviews and earned brilliant box office. But within days of the film opening fans have spotted 80 glaring mistakes. Amongst the choice gaffs are shots that show his clothes "hanging forward" when he climbs a building, "a clear sign" according to The Mirror, "that the scene was filmed with him crawling along the floor". Windows mysteriously remain intact after people have been thrown through, vases repair themselves. But, more interestingly, who are the people who compile these lists anyway?