Rob Blackhurst

Monkey business

A sideways look at the press week

Rob Blackhurst and Sunder Katwala

Observer.co.uk,

Sunday May 5 2002

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"Never appear with monarchs or animals" was advice that a diligent Downing Street Press Officer should have given Tony Blair this week, as he spent Seven Days being upstaged by a rejuvenated Queen and a fraudulent ape from Hartlepool.

All that heady talk of "a young country" seemed but a distant dream as the cap-doffing spirit of the fifties spread through the land. The usually sober Telegraph lost its head entirely, with a front-page lead 'Long to reign over us' and an editorial implying that the lickspittle office of elected MP might as well be abolished altogether: "The triumphal Jubilee tour will be quite unlike anything that could have been arranged for a mere politician. Her Majesty has come to know and understand the British people in a way that only an apolitical figure can. She remains enduring popular, while politicians are given their marching orders". How unfortunate it was for those who believe in electing our leaders: "How do they feel about a system that gives French socialists choice between Chirac and Le Pen? They should join us in a rousing chorus of God Save The Queen".

This certainly wrong-footed those republicans who had been caught in receipt of the Windsor Castle sausage roll. David Aaranovitch in The Independent explained his presence at the previous week's Royal reception for the press: we "stood and mingled, imagining ourselves to be tribunes of the people and inwardly congratulating ourselves on being recognised at last. We were mostly there in our role as slavering dogs that needed to be fed and patted, lest we turn savage. I enjoyed every weird second of it". Revolutionary pamphleteer Jonathan Freedland , guesting in The Mirror, found himself curiously unable to storm the barricades: "suddenly she appeared, a bright bulb of red dress and silver white hair. She has that same glow that the best kind of charismatic politician or Hollywood star manages to generate - a black-lit radiance". But you could have a good gush and remain a republican after all, Freedland explained: "Luckily for me, I'm not one of those republicans whose criticism of the monarchy centres on the personal flaws of the Royal Family

Despite this Royal press triumph, it turned out to be a week of two halves for the Windsors as winsome reports of walkabouts in Truro were accompanied by reminders of the annus horribilis. Lady Georgina Kennard shocked the nation with news that the Queen and Diana really got on. And who better to scupper a PR triumph than Prince Phillip in full flight. Perhaps catching a "full view of the Sun double decker from which glamour Queens Jo Lawden and Corina "waved topless" was his downfall. Inevitably, the Duke "grinned broadly". But something had affected his wiring. Moments later, he launched a gibbering tirade at a woman with a guide dog. "Do you know that they now do eating dogs for the anorexic?" he bafflingly ventured. Obviously spurred on, the clown consort then "crept up behind BBC TV presenter Jenny Bond while she was brushing her hair and preparing to face the camera. "As he paused smiling behind Jenny, people laughed" the Mirror reported, Pravda style.

There was monkey business of a more machiavellian nature going on in Hartlepool this week - and, for once, it didn't involve Peter Mandelson.

The mascot of Hartlepool United successfully romped home in the town's mayoral race after pledging free bananas in schools and to "work on impulse" like his cousins in the wild. But whoever you vote for, the government always gets in. Voters who wanted a change turned out to have been conned in one of most disgraceful cons and u-turns in British electoral history: "Forget about the monkey. The monkey was there only for promotion purposes. The monkey was just for publicity. I am Stuart Drummond, I am the Mayor of Hartlepool, not the monkey", the 28 year old former waiter beneath the costume airily announced, ditching his entire electoral platform within moments of being elected. And they wonder why voters are cynical.

An unlikely enthusiasm for animals seemed to be spreading as the government's plans for a Bill of Rights for Pets emerged, presumably to ensure that the many (and not the few) are able to share in rising national prosperity. Though he shrewdly alienating the "those who keep cats in their flats" constituency, he touchingly argued that all animals need their space. You'd expect Carla Lane, Paul McCartney and some interchangeable TV vets to support this kind of thing, but it hardly seemed a question of ecclesiastical significance. Not so, piped up George Carey's Spokesman: "The Archbishop would welcome anything which would help to protect animals". But the Telegraph had the proposal's measure, with its reverie for a land "where a Briton's ancient liberty from the state's interference is undermined", contrasting it with the upside-down logic of a land in which a proverbial "Mrs Jones" is imprisoned for "snapping at her dog". Fears that the animals were about to take over as urban supermice and military robo-rats annexed large swathes of the nation's press.

Press office of the week

The Lib Dems may not have made as many gains in the local elections as they may have hoped, but we can only salute the Herculean efforts of their press officers who marked Labour's fifth anniversary in power by counting every New Labour press release since 1997.

Gaffe of the week

Even Prince Philip couldn't compete with Leeds United's decision to book past-it comedian Stan Boardman for their celebratory annual dinner. 'How could they hire him', asked The Mirror, after the club wrote to the comedian deploring his racist routine and the offence caused to guests by his desperate attempt to find the funny side of last year's Lee Bowyer and Jonathan Woodgate assault trial. The Sun's attempts to put a Stars back Stan rally together could muster just two comments, hardly resounding in their support: 'Black comic Charlie Williams said: "Someone at Elland Road booked the wrong comedian. Stan goes too far, but it's no good moaning after."

Good week for …

Celebrity nonsense

The Mirror showed it could find the big stories as well, with its Offical scoop, revealing that 'Kylie's bottom wiggles 251 times every night'. Because they counted. There was plenty more excitement as it was revealed that Kylie was single again, while the Sun excitedly reported that Britney's ex-, Justin Timberlake, chose to 'end the long-running mystery over Britney's sex life in a chat with a fellow passenger on a flight from Atlanta to Los Angeles last week'.

Bad week for …

Liz Hurley

But the terms of the celebrity trade were turning. All of that work keeping the baby under wraps seemed to have been wasted as the street value of celebrity baby snaps plummeted.The stars' gravy train has come to a shuddering halt, claimed the News of the World, reporting that Richard Desmond and his arch-rival, Hello! boss Eduardo Sanchez Junco in Spain, had formed a cartel to cut celebrity costs: 'They agreed to withdraw their £1 million offers to Liz. Instead they made an historic JOINT bid to share the pics - for £100,000. And they have told the star: "Take it or leave it"'.

Signs of the summer

The World Cup versus Big Brother campaigns were warming up in earnest this week, with the first glimpses of the new Big Brother house, enough David Beckham magazine covers for the Sun - I'm like an animal in bed (courtesy of Marie Claire) and The Mirror - Beckham camp (courtesy of GQ) - to run competing splashes on Monday. The World Cup barrel was being scraped later in the week with the revelation that the Jaffa Cake is Sven's secret weapon. But there is so much more of this to come.

Did they really run that?

The press was universal in its view that the BNP are a bad thing. But the Mirror's dossier on the BNP's 68 hate candidates, discovered little more than that many of them held extreme right-wing views and didn't like immigrants.