Rob Blackhurst

Sunday February 9, 2003

Observer.co.uk

Our online look at the lighter side of the media week

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If you can't stand the heat…

Rob Blackhurst

Sunday February 9, 2003

Observer.co.uk

These were seven days in which the fickle affections of the public simply proved too much for the A-list. But if there is no avoiding the rise and fall of the celebrity rollercoaster, there is always the consoling embrace of the official media watchdogs and the defence barrister when things get too taxing.

Much of the week was dominated by a tawdry tale of betrayal in Neverland, where it soon dawned that the public rehabilitation strategy via Martin Bashir hadn't exactly gone to plan. "Michael wanted to give the world a faithful representation of the truth about his life" claimed Michael Jackson's PR machine, thereby explaining his monk-like veracity during the part of the interview devoted to his facial arrangements. Nevertheless, a minion was sent off to queue at the door of the Independent Television Commission and the Broadcasting Standards Commission. They may have bumped into Madonna on her way to the Press Complaints Commission, who's irked that the baby pencilled in by Heat magazine for November has yet to be conceived.

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Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas remain traumatised by the pesky photographer who allowed Hello! Magazine to gatecrash not just their wedding but their £2 million exclusive rights deal with OK. "We are seeking recognition from the court that Hello! did wrong and caused great distress at what should have been a time of joy" they simpered in a joint statement to the High Court. But what really got on the couple's goat was the revelation that Hollywood divinities share the same corporeal functions as lesser mortals. The portrayal of Zeta-Jones eating had broken a hitherto unknown ancient taboo that brides should never be photographed eating: "Such a thing does not exist except in the case of women appearing in tacky adverts for yoghurt and ice-cream adverts", their QC bafflingly told the court.

Alistair Campbell was having PR problems of his own this week when it turned out that the dossier on disarming Iraq was based not on high-grade intelligence from MI6 but a Downing Street Press Office staffer well acquainted with Window's cut and paste function. The pyrotechnics were dampened by the discovery that a large section was plagiarised from a 29 year old American's PhD thesis. The dossier's debt to the original was such that eccentric comma usage, as well as large chunks of text, were imported wholesale. "In retrospect, we should have acknowledged which bits came from public sources and which bits came from other sources" the The Prime Minister's spokesman not unreasonably conceded.

Good Week For…

Lord Irvine, whose damascene conversion to an all-appointed House of Lords looks set to carry the day after Red Robin's plans for a democratic chamber were successfully crushed. A successful week was rounded off with news of a £22,000 pay increase.

Bad Week For…

CNN's anchorman Aaron Brown who appeared to have lost the hunger of his cub-reporter days when he decided to carry on playing golf in California rather than return to the studio to report on the break up of the Space shuttle. According to US papers, he saw no point in flying back to studios in New York, and refused the offer of a local studio because he "didn't have a change of clothes".

Conversion of the week

Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury and self-confessed "hairy lefty" won some new friends on the Sun and Mail this week when he declared the Tory plan to detain asylum seekers "perfectly reasonable". "It is very unsafe world and there is no getting around that" he mused through clouds of wispy beard. "The challenge for any responsible government is to be absolutely serious about security".

Williams further distanced himself from weak tea Anglicanism by telling Prince Charles that he'll have to make do with the registry office if he wants to remarry. "Suddenly Dr Williams emerges not as a wishy-washy hand-wringing liberal but as a man in touch with reality" the Sun effused. The rapprochement may not last however, if the Welshman resumes his occasional protests against US imperialism, usually involving scaling the fence of an American airbase and celebrating Communion on the runway.